Beer. Part of this Complete Breakfast.

Posted on April 2, 2009 by

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Brien Hopkins
[The Man Shark]

Children of the 1980s and ’90s were beat over the head with that mantra, “part of this complete breakfast.” Remember the image? A tall glass of OJ and a slice of golden toast topped with a perfect square of butter. No one ever ate the complete breakfast. Not even the kid in the commercial. Settle for something more realistic: beer.

“What about the children?” the mothers cry. Cap’n Crunch throws a beer down the hatch every morning, to sterilize the cuts on the roof of his mouth. None of those cereal mascots are child friendly, namely, for trying to steal from children. The most reckless mascot, Sonny, is a cuckoo bird who’s only pleasure in life is tricking defenseless children into feeding his crippling addiction to Cocoa Puffs. Not to mention, after 1993, he refused to wear pants. But enough cereal mascot slander.

We’ve all thought about downing a beer in the morning. A filling and un-sobering breakfast. The perfect way to start the day. But try reaching for cold one, and all you’ll get is cold looks. “Beer for breakfast?!” someone exclaims. Yes — stranger in my kitchen— beer for breakfast. And get out of my house. No one gets in a twist over S’more flavored “Poptarts.” If microwave sugar pastries make the cut, so does beer.

Look at the hard numbers:poptart-v-beerBeer aside, you’re better off eating a real S’more for breakfast. Shed the shame. Down a drink that’s part of this complete breakfast. You may offend a nay-sayer, or two, who demand “three good reasons!” But stay cool. I got you covered:

  1. Beer reduces heart risk. A 12 year study(’82-’96), conducted on 2,235 elderly found that drinking a beer and a half per day reduces the chance of heart failure 20 to 25%. If anyone asks, pretend you know what this means: alcohol induces high levels of high-density lipoprotein cholesterol, a protective form of blood fat. Alcohol also raises fibrinogen-protein, raising your platelet count, preventing the clotting and stickiness of blood cells. Way to go science!
  2. Beer makes you smarter. Dr. Joe Christian made 4,000 male twins drink different amounts of beer, over 20 years, and then gave them mental skills tests. The brothers who drank one to two drinks a day scored higher on the tests than those who drank less than one drink a day or more than two drinks. Moderate drinking was deemed helpful in improving memory, problem solving and reasoning ability. Another point for science. Bonus for using twins.
  3. Beer is healthy. While we may not know the difference between magnesium, selenium, potassium, phosphorus, biotin, folate, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12, they are good for you, and beer delivers them. Drink to your health.
Of course, this doesn’t mean the beer-pyramid should replace the food pyramid, but consider beer before you go out for the Meat-Lover’s Breakfast, or pancakes. Just because you cooked it in a pan doesn’t make it less of a cake. Syrup won’t drown truth — something beer has excelled at for years.
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